Trauma/Abuse
When Is It Abuse?
Whenever someone has power over you, controls you or puts fear into you it
is abuse. There is no excuse for abuse nor a good enough reason; not a history
of their own abuse, alcoholism or mental illness. Abuse is an intentional
and conscious effort to manipulate someone else.
You cannot pick an abuser out of a crowd, good abusers are good manipulators.
They are the ones you would least expect. An abuser can be a good parent,
a good friend or a respected leader but their effect on their victim is
unmistakable and has long lasting effects.
If you have to ask yourself “am I being abused“, you may already
have your answer. The abused person is often the one feeling like there is
something wrong with them. If only you reacted differently, you would not
have caused verbal attacks, violent behaviour, misplaced guilt or confused.
If you end an abusive relationship the abuser will use all means necessary
to gain back the control they once had including pleading, making promises
to change, placing blame on the victim, gaining support from others for the
abuser, becoming unusually nice, insisting that the abuser has made changes
among other tactics.
Abusers are effective at aligning themselves with supporters of their attitudes.
Any neutral stand between an abuser and their victim is in effect supporting
the abuser. Abusers need to be held responsible for their actions. If the
advantages of being the abuser outweigh the benefits of a mutually respectful
relationship they will have no reason to change.
In order to effect change an abuser must admit that what they have done is
wrong and that their abuse was a choice, accept the fact that the victim
has a right to be angry and accept the consequences of their actions. For
a victim to heal they have to be treated well consistently, make a long-term
effort to change their attitudes, behaviors and lay aside their demands for
forgiveness.
A victim also needs support. There are resources in most communities to assist
victims of abuse as well as family, friends, courts and law enforcement.
It is important to find the right people for the right problem as there are
many forms of abuse;sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse, each one
requiring specialized treatment. Victims need to focus on their recovery
not how she can avoid future abuse. |
